My mom is a psycho, and I have come too far to give up all that I have worked for. So...I wrote a poem for her a while ago, and I think I should post it up here. Enjoy!!
It penetrated the crevice of my soul
pierced my veins and seeped through my blood stream
and found its way to my heart
to tear it from the inside out…
That was the first time my mom said she didn’t love me anymore.
I felt like an unborn child
with the umbilical cord still wrapped around his neck
and presented to the world
like some kind of fucked up Christmas gift.
I used to dream about family reunions
and game nights spent under summer stars
but Im forced to deal with
demons wrapped around my head like a du-rag tied too tight
and my spirit is trying hard to force its way out of my body because
its hard living when the light switch is off.
I see you
how you are constantly haunted by Heineken bottles of your past
how you let Jesus be the motive of every action you make…
and I’m talking about you, not the US Army
I see it in your eyes
how you’re the first to stick their hands out
for someone to give you something
and the last to want to give anybody anything
I see the pain in your eyes
how I took 9 months from you
that you will never get back
how once the cord was cut, I was free from you
and you were free to do whatever you wanted
you held me like a bar of soap
because somehow I kept slipping out of your hands when I was a baby
and you were the first to blame someone else
whenever I cried and screamed
to let you know that even if I didn’t understand the pain you put me thru
it still hurt.
Your young life was defined by Tequila shots and champagne bottles
once it was all done, you felt like shit that you wasted it all at once.
I remember how you used to whip my ass
and have your boyfriend sit there and instigate the whole thing
because I made every attempt to pour your alcohol down the drain.
You beat me because you told me that when you drink
that’s your only opportunity to escape motherhood for just one night
Hangovers included.
When you drink the only people you have to worry about are
Jack Daniels
and Captain Morgan
and you don’t need to worry about the clothes Im wearing to school
the next day
and you don’t have to be bothered by my cries
because my rumbling stomach will eventually put me to sleep.
You don’t need to worry if the Boogey Man was under my bed
because I would rather him just take me away
than for him to see you drunk.
I can feel it
Every beating and spanking
how you did it just because the guy at the bar didn’t want to talk to you
all the built up anger I see in every balled up fist
that you swing at me
It’s okay I understand it…
Just let me pour some of your alcohol in my cup so I can let go
let you go
and let go of every black eye
and every bloody nose
and every broken arm
that you gave me.
I want to feel that sense of happiness.
Give me a chance to have a smile grace my face
while Im chugging three Bud Lites at the same time.
Let me smile when I play beer pong
and I miss the cup just so I would have a reason to drink the beer.
I want to forget about you
forget about every name you called me
for telling me that I was the reason my dad wanted nothing to do with me
for every time you told me that I was stupid,
and there was no cure for stupidity.
For every time you told me that you brought me into this world,
and you would like nothing more than to take me out if it.
For every time your anger blindfolded you
so you told me that if you beat me to a bloody pulp
not to blame you for it.
For every time you said that if I told anyone you beat me
I would have another one waiting for me after school
For every time I asked you why you did the things you did
and your only reply was that you were the boss
and bosses do what they feel.
Now that I’m older
I’m still that bar of soap
I’m slipping out of your grip
and eventually I’ll hit the floor
and all you can do is watch me sink down the drain
right next to Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan.
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